God Who?

As my friends will tell you, for years I have suffered from what I call "God Who?"   This is a state of forgetting God when the chips are down.   It is not, as is the case for some people, that I doubt the existence of God or have any sort of faith crisis.  No in fact if someone would ask me while I'm in a state of fear or anger if I believe in God I would say "absolutely".  But in such states I forget all about God; I'm knocked off center and living in a soup of miserable emotions.  My brain is busy trying to figure out what to do and why things are this way, and "blah, blah, blah."  When something reminds me of God again, whether it is someone else's statement of faith, a sneeze (which brings to mind "God blesses you") or my next faith experience - I'm very quickly "righted" like a partially capsized boat, and brought back to center.  Then I can relate to God and draw upon my faith in dealing with the situation at hand.

Some years ago I came to understand why I have this affliction.  The greatest crisis of my life occurred when I was 11 and my mother died.  I had not been raised with faith and had no particular conception of God.  I think this is true for most children and their childhood crises even when they are raised in a church.   So I had no where to turn - just lost in my pain and fear.   So even now as I feel pain and fear I return to this state where I do not know God.  I thought realizing that would help me not go into "God Who?" mode but it did not help.

I have spend a lot of time sort of beating myself up about this, wondering why I cannot stay in a state of remembering God and trying to figure out how I could not fall out of knowing.   A few years ago I had the helpful realization that throughout time humanity has struggled with this.  This I think is part of the meaning of the story of the Garden of Eden and the fall - we fall out of that wonderful place that we dwell with God (in that case through pride or shame - I imagine different emotions can take different people out of a state of unity with God.)  I realized that this is the human spiritual condition and the reason for the practices of so many religions -to bring us back to a state of awareness and connection to God.   So I decided then that when I noticed with dismay that I was out of connect that instead of judging or berating myself I would simply notice that it was the first step of my returning to God.  That has helped it to be less painful- I don't think it has decreased its frequency.

For a while I was trying a practice of spiritual journaling as a way to try to not "forget" God.  But what I found was that when in a state of anger or fear I did not want to write in the journal because I tended to just write about what was making me feel that way and the feelings.  So I have now decided to try a new path - it is the path of regular contact with spiritual inspiration.  I have resolved to do some spiritual reading each day as a way to connect with God regardless of my emotional state.

What is your experience with God Who?

Why God Why?

Recently at my place of worship we had a worship sharing for the adults.  What this usually means is that there are queries (questions which have no correct answer that are philosophical in nature) which we examine together and share with each other the answers we each find.   So usually the group is given the questions.  But the topic was "Why God, why?"  addressing the angst we all feel at times in our spiritual life, the puzzlement, frustration and confusion we have about why God is apparently the way God appears to us, why religion says God is a certain way, or why we cannot seem to get on the same page with God.  So this time instead of doing things the way we usually do people were given slips of paper and invited to write their "why God Why?" questions down to preserve anonymity.  People wrote them down they went into a bowl and were ceremoniously read.

The questions were, not surprisingly, the same ones that theologians and philosophers have asked throughout the ages.
Why does god allow suffering?
Why is there so much violence and war?
Why do I not have enough time to do all the things that you have asked me to do?
Why do I attract people to me who seem to bring suffering?
How do I know what you want me to do with my life?
How should I respond to the suffering that I see around me?  Why am I fortunate?
Why are there things that seem to remain in mystery not for us to know?
What happens when we die?

Long ago I lead a workshop called: Patchwork Faith.  The idea of it was the recognition that those who live a spiritual path but do not just embrace the theology of a given church must work out for themselves all these kinds of theological questions and that the answers we find our often a patchwork of faith beliefs.  In the coming year I will be taking some of these questions and writing about them.

I invite you to send the questions that pull at you.  I invite you to send the answers that you have found.

My apologies to my readers that I was quiet so many months on this blog.  I got very caught up in matters of the Occupation Movement and also my family.  My intention for next year is to return to monthly postings.

 

Manifesting Things

I started with manifesting people.  I had just opened a private practice, and I had a small support committee.  One of the people on it also had a private practice.  She told me when she started that she had had a safety net: she delivered newspapers for a year.  But she also told me:  "don't worry the clients will come.  Just visualize them coming.  I do.  Just imagine their feet walking into your office."  This seemed like weird advice, but I was worried enough to try anything.  I tried it; nothing happened.

But then after about 6 months when things were going a little better, I had some middle of the day spaces that it seemed no one wanted.  I thought:  "I wish maybe a low income client who is not working and available in the middle of the day could come then."   Within an hour two low income clients available in the middle of the day called.  Wow!   Well coincidence....but I thought: "I would like to see a couple; I wonder if I could manifest that?"  By the next day the couple had scheduled and come to see me.  For months I wondered if it was a coincidence, but pretty much within days, any time I tried to think who I would like to see (including issues they might bring) it would show up!  I have for 10 years now had a busy thriving practice.  I wondered why the advice of my collegue had not worked in the beginning and then I realized.  She had said: Visualize shoes walking in".....well I had absolutely no interest in seeing shoes!  I wanted to see people.

But one of my best examples of manifesting things occurred around this same time.  I wanted to get a favorite board game I remembered from childhood for my daughter.  The game Masterpiece has cards with famous paintings on them which people bid for and try to win the most money - but it has the great educational value that you familiarize yourself with great masterpieces.  I looked in several stores for it, but I could not find it.  Finally, I looked online for it and discovered to my disappointment that it was no longer manufactured.  Drat!  Why do they drop all the good ones?  So how was I going to get this game?  Ahh I thought, maybe someone with grown children will have a yard sale and they will be getting rid of it.

Shortly thereafter, I was driving home through the alley behind my Condo with my daughter in the car, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a big box was sitting next to someone's garbage with apparently some board games sticking out.  I stopped the car immediately and hopped out.  And there it was: Masterpiece!   But even more mindboggling when I got it home, was it was in mint condition!  It has never been used; the money was still in the original plastic bags.  This sort of event is so precise that it defies (at least for me) any thought that this is just a coincidence.  That incident made me a true believer that you can manifest what you want in an abundant universe.  I eventually even manifested a husband this way, but that is another story.

Redemptive Possibilities

In May, I went to see the Rev. Jon Nelson.  Jon is a 78 year old retired Lutheran minister, and he also has a heart of gold and the deepest, most life embracing laugh I have ever heard in my life!  Jon is a fighter of the good fight:  he has had a prison ministry for 40 years, he helped create a black studies program in a small town in Missoula, MT and also low income housing, he rowed out in a boat into Puget Sound with his 80 year old mother to block the nuclear submarines and committed other acts of civil disobedience as led by God.  And with his loving wife they parented 14 children: 3 of their own, the rest foster children who they cared for and adopted (and all of whom he considers equally his own).

Jon and I were talking about an organization we started together several decades ago, and my own wonderment about whether it really made a difference or not.  He said:  "Ahh, but you planted 'the seed of the Redemptive Possibility'- the rest is in God's hands."  There is probably no better summery for Jon's life.  He did so much, but never with a concern for the outcome - just with a deep and abiding belief that God works through us for Redemption, and that the very possiblity of that is what it is all about.   Redemption of course is an idea at the very heart of Lutheranism.  I'm not a Lutheran, Jon and I are an odd pair in that regards.  Yet he testifys to me, by his life, what deep and true Christianity really looks like.

I comment to Jon that he has channelled father energy through out his life - that between his 14 kids and the myriad of prisoners who have loved him and were so underparented in their lives that he has held up for others what a father's love is.  Jon simply smiles and says:  "To those who much is given, much is required."  He explains how lucky he was to receive the deep love of both his parents and that he feels that simply filled and prepared him to give to others.  Jon is this sort of "pay it forward" kind of guy.  And again models what is possible when we live in the Redemptive possibilities.

I ask him for some parenting advise as I struggle with one of my teenagers and he has parented 14 kids - some of whom were in a whole lot of trouble.  His wife sagely says:  "Don't let them define you, and don't let them dictate your happiness."  But Jon laughs and says: We have always gone at this so differently, and then soberly says to me:  "Lean into the pain - yours and theirs - it is where the redemptive possibilities are."  Here are two people who have been married to each other for 53 years and it is not hard to see why- there love bounces off each other creating more love.

As I drive away I am a bit sad because Jon's health is failing in a variety of ways.  Ironically, this man who has the largest heart I have known is suffering slow heart failure. So I have this sense that I may have seen him for the last time.  I turn on some music and Carrie Newcomber is singing.
                       "Leaves do not fall, they just let go....
                        to make room for life to grow.
                       A seed contains a tree to be.
                       Death is Life's refrain."   (from the Song: Leaves do not fall)
Now I am at peace for I realize that even death carries those Redemptive Possibilities.

Post Note:  Jon died July 23, 2011

The Idealist's Agony - a poem

                         Striving for the highest good

Home sick for a land we’ve never been

Hungering for an oasis just beyond reach

Disappointed by the fall into humanity

No perfected man.

All, washed in the pain of pride, greed, fear, inertia,

apathy and coldness.

So much good achieved…always flawed.

Try. Try again. Better luck next time, version 2, second try, practice, improvement, set back, try, disappointment, try, hurt, keep trying.

Always trying.

Wired for optimism they say. Darwinian edge to hope, to keep trying,

To not give up.

Oh, my imperfect love, how can I keep from cheating on you

with my visions, my dreams  for more, something more

complete, more whole.

Closer to Divine?

Oh, my broken, tarnished neighbors, how to not turn on you in wrath

and frustration, disappointment that you are not

my beloved community.

Oh, my Enemy, what power I give you by believing you are separate

from me, from all of us. By making you a receptacle of all our exiled parts to hold alone.

How do I walk among the half-done, the sweat, the broken promises

born of good intentions, the synchronistic moment, the passion,

the misguided attempt, the accidental success, the small kindness, the dropped ball, the over-engineered, the forgotten good idea and the lingering sweetness

                     ….into the fullness of life.

         No judgment; just is. Now—this moment.

         No expectations. No preconceptions.

Just is; Now—this moment—the fullness of life

"the Should's" whispers of the past

Therapists commonly recognize that when we get in the realm of "shoulds" we are in unfortunate terrain.  With shoulds people commonly beat themselves or each other up.  Should is the language of failure, disappointment, unmet needs, guilt and manipulation.  Commonly we think of it as undesirable self-talk or as a tool in a power struggle between 2 people.  But all of these conceptualization are fairly present centered.

Today I was working with a client on a heavy feeling of responsibility she chronically carries - a definite "should" about how she must be in the world.  Somehow I thought to ask if the sense of burden to provide for day to day survival was something her parents or grandparents had actually carried. (since she does not really have this burden in the present.)  She then revealed a very real and difficult struggle for survival that her mother had in childhood.  Such a curiosity, how we can wordlessly carry down the fears and traumas of past generations.  I remember a man telling me once how he realized he always held soup spoons in a strange way and then he remembered how his father, who had survived the concentration camps, but lost a finger there, had held his spoons this same way because of the missing finger.

Is it unconscious memories of parental actions or words - is it fears and angers so deeply held that they hang in the air- breathed in by our offspring- transmuted in the breast milk - or the the blood - held in the memory of cells?  Is the memory actually like a hologram in the egg and the sperm that unite to create us?  (The egg was there inside her mother even when her mom was a scared child.)  And if the shoulds are simply cross generational memories carried as survival imperatives - can we release them to the past to live in the present?  What is the karmic effect of releasing such bonds?  As the daughter relaxes can back in time the ancestors somehow know their struggles will be successful?

In Gratitude to our Ancestors

Recently I walked through the Highland (Scotland) Folk Museum.  This is an outdoor museum with a recreation of an 18^th century “crofters” village, as well as another section with a farm, home, post office, general store, tailor shop, wood shop, school and bus from 1890-1930 era all with original items inside each.  The crofter village has holmes with three foot high stone walls and tree branch and sod roofs.  We were soberly told that in the night, even in the winter they could not keep the fire going.  People worked hard during the day to tend sheep, weave fabric, grow, gather and prepare food.  Quarters were tight and simple.  It looked like a hard life.

There is a song that Libby Roderick sings where she talks about how we are all descends of dead people: “I come from a long line of dead people.  I come from a tall pile of bones. My people lie sleeping all under the world….”  I always thought this a somewhat strange song…in fact a bit morbid.  But I now have a whole new appreciation of the song.   I suddenly realized that every one of us living on this planet is here because our ancestors worked hard to survive.  Some made it only far enough to reproduce before dying in childbirth or marched off to war, but they worked hard to survive. Because they did survive long enough to have children, and those children then also struggled forward to the next generation….here, centuries later, stand you and I.  Even many of those who did not reproduce made significant contributions to ensuring the survival of the species.

It is not a remarkable thing that we all have the capacity to reproduce.  What is remarkable are the things our ancestors have done to survive.  From early people who lived nomadically: working to find enough food and to avoid wild animals, dehydration and vicious weather in order to survive.  To tribal cultures who struggled to survive squirmishes with the neighbors, and illness born of a lack of understanding of basic hygiene.  To the countless men who were marched off to wars that they may or may not have believed in to fight for land or a way of life.  The untold generations of women who were treated as second class citizens all their lives with abuse, poverty, and hardship raised their children.  To those who were born into and lived desperate and pleasureless lives as slaves or servants and simply dreamed their children could have better lives.  To those who endured months of seasickness and storms to come to a new land: fleeing famine, war or political oppression and again hoping things could be better.  I suddenly see this long line of dead people that Libby was singing about.

When you bring it down to the generations of your grandparents, or great grandparents or those who first immigrated to this country on both sides of your family, you may know some of the specifics of the sacrifices and struggles that occurred.  Somehow we take this for granted.  We assume, I think, that of course they struggled to survive because that is the instinct that we are all programmed with deep in our DNA.  But what kept them going?  What role did hope, love, and Spirit play in their endurance and determination?   Slowly we have made generation by generation, a more comfortable life, a more humane life.  Our work is not done by any means, we have far to go….and our descendents count on that.

First I think we must acknowledge the debt of gratitude we owe to our ancestors for our very existence, and second of all we must ask how we are doing on assuring the survival of the species so that someone several hundred years can be grateful that we struggled forward?  I have written before about the River of God….this endless procession of humanity, human’s struggles and innovations; of passion, sorrow and going forth…that is the River of God.  It is the march of the eternal.   And for me when I see this march I also feel the Creator’s steady presence woven through it all.