Recently my daughter did something and she was embarrassed by and
she feared the judgment of others. So she kept it secret. Not really
unusual behavior. All of us have done this at some point in time.
My reaction was mainly that I was sad that she had struggled with it
alone and that she has felt so self-judgmental. It was not the best
choice she has ever made, but it was not the worst either. She was
primarily the victim of some bad luck in an arena in which our society is
harshly judgmental.
When we talked about it later I told her I did not want her to
ever live her life with the feeling that she had to keep secrets or be ashamed
of anything because then she would become separated from a part of herself.
"What do you mean she asked? This was hard to articulate.
I think of her father, my ex-husband, who literally committed a horrible crime.
This was something that he rightfully felt horrible about and carries
much guilt about. Some who read this will say that is a feeling of
self-loathing that should never be laid down. Do we contribute to the
Good of the All by keeping ourselves small and in shame?
However, if we believe that all humans are children of a Divine
Parent and an Unending Source of Love, then it follows that God has the
capacity to forgive us all our diversions from the path of the Holy One. It
follows that more good will be done by overcoming our own personal patch of
darkness. I believe that in the journey of the soul that everything we do
holds the capacity for learning and growth in the Spirit. When I met her father
he was in an Alternatives to Violence Project workshop, a program he
participated in for eight years. I also met Dan in AVP, a friend to this
day, who two years ago was released from prison after serving everyday of a 30
year term for committing multiple rapes.
What these two men did represents extremes that most of us do not
go to. However, the basic problem is the same; after we do something bad,
something regrettable, or something embarrassing there is no taking it back.
Sometimes there are big consequences. How do we integrate our own
darkness into the tapestry of our own life? How do we make peace with
that which we regret and cannot undo? Trite as the saying is: "How
do we make lemonade out of lemons?"
I thought when I met both of them and all the men who came through
the AVP workshops that they were doing the only thing we can do with
darkness....redeem it. I have quoted the late Rev. Jon Nelson saying: (see
7/11/11 post) "Lean into the pain, that is where the redemptive
possibilities lie." If one has come to this life to learn about violence
in its most decisive way then to engage in violence and learn first-hand its
horrible cost, and to renounce it, and to live without it, is as complete a
learning as I imagine one life could achieve. (I believe my own walk as
pacifist reflects the learning of many lifetimes, of being both the victim and
the perpetrator of violence.)
The two of them exemplified the two paths people can take in
attempting to reconcile with ones own darkness. My ex-husband could never
internally reconcile what he did, so he hid it, and in so doing separated from
himself. He could not be at peace in this separated state. Over time this
went beyond not putting down an accurate job history, to actually making up a
whole fictional life which he told to others, thus severing himself forever
from the Truth.
Dan on the other hand, chose to tell the truth in prison
about why he was there, earning him the lowest place on the prison totem pole
and yet allowing him to live with the Truth of who he was. Thus when he
got out he also told the truth on every resume and job application. He
was rejected over and over but was loved by his wife and friends and eventually
hired by an acquaintance who appreciated his integrity and his skill set.
He said he had expected to feel out of place when he got out of prison
after such a long absence as he had before he went to prison; instead because
he walks in his own skin and knows his own intentions towards others he feels
deeply at home in the world.
It has occurred to me that this indeed is the difference between
leaning into the pain and not doing so. When we are so afraid of pain, or
of our own darkness that we avoid it, we never learn what it has to teach us.
We live separated from the Spirit whom we are afraid to approach and we
live in constant fear of others and their judgment of us if they were to truly
know us. When we have the courage to go through the pain we come out the
other side, not unlike a mother giving birth to a child. The only way out
is through, and we are "baptized" by our own struggle and its
integrity—or lack of.
I'm not suggesting we just throw ourselves into darkness, or
surrender to whatever evil impulse we may feel tugging at us, or lie in
depression. I'm saying that we recognize that darkness exists also on the
spiritual path just as surely as night and day co-exist. And that in
whatever darkness we find ourselves we never stop looking for the Presence of
the Light. That we use as a lantern in the darkness the question, "What
is my soul trying to learn from this experience?" Redemption, if
there is such a thing, must be in learning the lessons we came here to learn.
Note to reader: My New Year's resolution was one post a month and I was doing very well until the end of May. Then came the end of school and two church conferences in July and ...no June or July post. Please read this as my July post!
