I have been reading the book The Untethered Soul by
Michael Singer. Singer explains aspects
of meditation in very Western ways, thus making it very accessible to the
Western mind. In the book he explains
the Sanskrit word Samskara in the following way:” a Samskara is a blockage, an
impression from the past. It’s an
unfinished energy pattern that winds up running your life.” As a therapist this fascinates me because I
know that when someone goes through trauma they wind up with PTSD. I would describe PTSD much the way Singer
describes the trapped energy of Samskara “When a Samskara is stimulated, it
opens like a flower and begins to release the stored energy. Suddenly, flashes of what you experienced
when the original event took place rush into your consciousness – the thoughts,
the feelings, sometimes even the smells and other sensory input. The Samskara can store a complete snapshot of
the event.” This is exactly how I would
describe PTSD, (minus the flower opening – way to beautiful a description for a
PTSD flashback which is usually very painful.)
In the therapy
community it is usually acknowledged that there is big T trauma (near death or
annihilation of self experiences) , but that all of us have small t
experiences: experiences of loss, humiliation, fear, hurt that we also carry
inside us. EMDR (Eye Movement, Desensitization
and Reprocessing) is considered the treatment of choice for PTSD. It is a process that through bi-lateral
stimulation (rapid eye movement right and left, or tapping right then left side
of body rapidly) while focusing on the trauma memories creates a brain state
that allows the person to re-evaluate the stored painful memory and release the
negative conclusions and patterns that have been accumulated over it. Singer describes how through mindfulness one
can watch our energy, can watch how certain stimulate trigger old memories and
feelings (Samskara) and rather than blocking off to that which is arising one
can simply notice and release it.
This all related in an interesting way to a spiritual issue
for me. My ex-husband was a
pathological liar and an alcoholic. As a
result much drama and painful experiences took place, especially involving ways
he brought our young daughter in to his dramas.
I worked over and over to forgive him because I did not wish to carry
anger or pain with me (or Samskara would be a better way to explain it). But every time I did a new incident would
occur. I eventually felt he had created
spiritual damage to me. (I did not have
words for it, but it was Samskara; I was aware that I was less trusting and
less open hearted and I was sad about that.)
I have watched my daughter grow into an open hearted person and felt
fear for her as to what injuries she was leaving herself open to.
As I sat reflecting upon all this, trying to see how to open
my heart and release these hurts and noticing my own resistance, I watched the
familiar litany of complaints against him; the unalienable sense I had arrived
at 25 years after knowing him that I simply could not even interact with him
any more because it was so toxic. But
this time I tried to just “observe it all” just notice it all. Suddenly I noticed with my now adult and
completely amazing daughter sitting beside me that one of the greatest
experiences of my life has been being her mother. I realized that without him in my life I
would never have had this experience or have know this amazing soul! I realized that I had closed off the energy,
held the hurt because my relationship with him had started (like all do) in
beauty and hope with a promise of a great witness to all around us about
redemption, and then it felt as if he had betrayed all that promise in trade
for a bottle of alcohol. It felt like
the limb I had gone out on in marrying him (risking the disapproval, judgement
and rejection of all kinds of people) had simply snapped off. I realized that it was my own attachment to
the picture of what I thought my marriage would be, and subsequent stubborn refusal
to re-evaluate it for anything other than him “ruining” what it was suppose to
be, that had kept me from noticing what the event really was: the introduction
of a great blessing into my life – my daughter.
I reflected as well on earlier Samskara from earlier in my
childhood which also set me up to push against life’s hardships rather than
soften, observe them, notice their gifts, remain unattached to them, etc. So the spiritual problem of forgiveness
which I have struggled with for years, turns out to be more about staying open
to the moment, releasing my preconceptions or expectations, being willing to
discover what life is really presenting me, not what I ordered up or wished
for.
